I distinctively remember how 2015 began for me. We were in the middle of a forest area. By we, I mean me and some of my colleagues. That was the first time I had made a trip specifically meant for New Year. I remember getting an unexpected patch-up message in the form of a New Year wish. I remember wishing and praying for a not so eventful year.
God has this very sick sense of humour. 2015 had in store the worst events that would leave a permanent scar on me. I don’t think this scar can be turned into a tattoo also. It is that ugly and that infected. Pain after pain filled me up through out the year. People whom I thought would never leave my side left me because… Honestly I don’t even know their side of the story yet. They just left. They told me they don’t want to be a part of my life. So I guessed I shouldn’t disturb them.
I changed a lot. I know that very well. And the change is not for the better. I lost a lot of physical and mental strength.
But one thing that still remains with me is survival. I am still surviving. Even if I do not wish to, I am still alive. Alive and going on. Moving on? Nah! I am not able to.
Do I wish something for 2016? Hell No!
I do not absolutely want to wish or hope for anything. It is just another holiday for me. And that is all I am going to think. I am not going to look forward for anything new. I am not going to hope for things to get better. I am just going to go with the flow. I know things will get better. Some day… Some fine day…
Some time in the near or far future I will look back and wonder how I survived all of that and become what I am. Some day…
Good or bad I don’t really want to distinguish anymore. Because even if something good happens it makes me sad that I am not able to share it with people I once used to. I know they would be proud of it. All I can do is write here and wonder if they will even glance at this post.
Right now everything gives me the same amount of pain. Everything gives me the same amount of strength. Everything makes me lose the same amount of tears. I can’t even cry for more than a few minutes. Tears stop after that. Do I want to be like this? I think you know the answer for this. No one chooses to live with this depression devil weighing them down. The only thing I can do is alter my position so that I can at least go a little forward carrying the weight. Almost like balancing a heavy bag between your hands.
But I will find reasons to smile. Even the tiniest one! I will smile. Because smiling makes me forget this heavy baggage in my hands. Of course it is short lived. But something is better than nothing.
And that is going to be my motto for life. (note that I am not saying new year. I really am not going to wish anything for 2016)
Happy New Year Folks….