I had stopped writing posts about my life for a while. Thanks to a few good hearts who outright said I am doing it to gain attention. Some went ahead and said I write nothing but sad stuff in my blog.
Well too bad for you. If you are one among those few i have mentioned above, Please stop reading. Because it is a vent post written when my hormones are raging and I am on the verge of breaking down from the small frustrations building up.
I don’t even know why I am explaining myself for what I do. Guess this society and the people around me have always reminded me that I owe all of them something that I actually started believing in it.
Guess what! I don’t owe any of you anything. I don’t owe the girl my life who notified my parents the night I OD-ed. You were part of the reason I took that decision that night. I don’t owe my “best friend” any explanation for saying something harsh that hurt him. You have said far more hurtful stuff to me and I stuck around. I think friendship is all about ups and downs “together” The moment you see my worst and you don’t want to get your hands dirty, then I don’t need you my friend. I would rather be alone. I don’t owe my brother an explanation for a venting tweet I posted. You honestly don’t have the patience to listen to me when I needed help. So I vent on twitter. I vent on my blog. I don’t owe an explanation to the guy who said I write nothing but sadness. You obviously haven’t read a lot of my other posts. You are part of the mob that skims through one link and judges. Hell, I don’t even owe my parents anything. Staying away from them is my way of keeping them happy. Not letting them see my struggle and not pulling them down with me is the one of the best solutions I have for now.
I WILL NOT LET YOUR DUMB JUDGEMENT GET TO ME ANYMORE.
I am so done.
This is me. This struggling depressed girl is who I am. Take it or leave it. This is my blog. I created it. I wrote the 100+ posts in it. I don’t expect people to read and sympathize. I stopped expected sympathy or even empathy from people. Because I know for a fact that everyone got their own life to look after and sympathize/empathize with. I don’t blame you for not noticing my cries. But please don’t criticize me for even trying to get these feelings out of my system in some way or the other. This is my therapy. This is my outlet. Let me be.
Yes… This blog is my journal. And yes once in a while it feels good when someone is able to relate to me. If this bothers you in anyway please go ahead and block me in every form of social media that you know of. Put my blog under some blocked sites list if you want. Whatever lets you sleep at night! I just wrote about 500 words and I am already feeling a little bit.
See what I mean?
You want happy stuff? Optimism? I think you can find a little bit of happiness in my short stories. But then if you are a nitpicker. Don’t bother. Or you can find a million other blogs that say that life is filled with rainbows and sunshines. Mine ain’t one!
I am not saying I am this person who never judges anyone. Oh I judge more than anyone. But I keep them to myself. A small part of me reminds me that maybe that person could also have a back story. And that is exactly why I keep my thoughts to myself. I don’t go and accuse people for being negative just for them being the way they are.
I let so many unnecessary comments get to me. I changed the way I look, the way I speak, the way walk, the way I dress. I felt so fake. I don’t want to anymore. I want to be old self (whatever that was…) Even if it means being alone all my life. That is a gamble I am willing to take.
Right now I am thankful. I am thankful that I have food on my plate every single day. I am able to get more than 5 hours of sleep. I am able to walk with my head held high. I am not covering myself up. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for being healthy. I am! And I can proudly say that I did all that with very little help. Oh I had help. I say little because it consists of those words uttered by individuals that just stick to me and glue up my soul back together. I am thankful for that help. For those kind words that made me realize that you just gotta keep working on yourself and others will notice the change in you before you do.
And finally for anyone who is going to say “Oh there she goes again writing about something emotional just to get sympathy” You know what… Fuck you too.
I wrote this so that someday I will come back and read it (I do read my old posts) and this post will give me a perspective about my own self. Again.. Why the hell am I explaining myself?
I will keep writing such stuff here.