Blogging and writing has been something that has been helping me to cope with my depression and anxiety issues. This is one place where I have been able to speak out, cry, laugh and what not. So I am here again sharing something that is making me happy.
If I am happy, I wish to share it. The more the merrier. I do not care about the kind of judgements this post might bring me. In a really long time I am happy and proud of myself. So I don’t care.
So the past one month or so I have been going for a walk in the morning by the beach. It has become something I look forward to these days. My routine is to get the first train to the beach. Do a 4 km walk by the beach road then walk back home. So while waiting for the train I just let my mind go wild with the thoughts. And today with the dark clouds and the thunders all I could think of were natural calamities.
Now before I continue I wish to share one small detail about myself. I have been battling depression and anxiety for a really long time. Both apparently clinically diagnosed as well. So when these are in the picture for an extended period of time, usually self harm and suicidal tendencies hop in as well. And for a really long time I could only remember wishing to die. Any situation my mind makes up, I would wish for it to aid in my death. (Yes my life has been a tad bit miserable)
So when the whole train of thoughts about natural calamities came rumbling in, the image of tsunami came into my head. Usually I would wonder how it would be if a tsunami came and I died. How bad the death would be.
But this morning… I wished to survive even if a tsunami comes. I even thought I would be dragged by the waves and somehow end up in some place else, but I would survive. It will be tragic. But I wished to live. That one moment where I thought of living instead of dying…. That moment is my moment of happiness.
I honestly don’t remember a time when I thought like this.
And I am so damn proud of myself for it. After all I have been through and after all those nights where I had to sit scared to move a muscle because I might do something to myself, after the pricey tattoo to cover up the scars on my wrist, after failed therapy attempts…. I have finally achieved something I have always thought to be out of my reach. It took a long time. It took too many reminders that I was my priority. It took a lot of tears and so many tubs of icecream. It took a couple of really really good human beings who stuck by my side and reminded me that I am so much more than what I assume myself to be. It took so many friends who left me because I was too much work and too many mood swings.
Finally I see that tiny ray of hope people always tell us about. I thought that thing did not ever exist in my life. I might sound cheesy. But honestly I don’t care anymore. This is my first step at overcoming something I have been battling all my life. For as long as I can remember. If this is how happiness feels like, it is totally worth it man!