I have been drafting this in my head for the past three days. But I was not able to sit and write it down. Writer’s Block maybe? I don’t know. So one more year gone and man was it one heck of ruckus. I don’t think I have seen these many ups and downs in one year before. So many things and so many changes in such a short period of time that I don’t know what else to expect for this year.
I finally joined a gym. It is going pretty well. I even extended my membership yesterday. Hopefully once i get my schedule on track, I could join a dance class. I was able to do a bit more traveling this year. Thanks to the job that made it possible. Made some friends from that as well. The year started on a not so good note. Atleast I ended it in a well rested way. Didn’t go out, didn’t party, or even called to wish someone. I miss that we don’t make phone calls just to talk to someone. The only place where I hate technology is that it has made every one so lazy and as a result everybody takes everybody for granted. I miss having 3 am phone calls and going home and immediately calling your best friend.
One good thing I did in 2018 is I packed up enough courage to walk away from toxic people. They might be Mother Teresa or Mahatma Gandhi for all I care. But if they are toxic to you and your wellbeing, you should not be with them. As much as it killed me to walk away from the last two people I called my best friends, I had to. I wasn’t getting the respect or the love I gave them. So embracing the loneliness, I went back into my shell. And there my life long friend depression was waiting for me.
I am still battling it. And the suicidal thoughts I fought off last year is back with a bang. I am just glad I have a few people I can reach out to in the time of my need. And these people are pretty much the reason I haven’t done anything. They gave me the smallest reasons to fight, but nevertheless it was there. One gave me a job with deadlines. So everytime I wanted to end things I thought I have to at least finish that work for them before leaving. One friend reminds me of silly jokes and tells me they will not enjoy those without me. One friend said they won’t get a better foodie companion than me. None of them realize that they helped me, but they did. I am thankful for the whole lot. And then there was a friend who showed me what would happen if I went through with my ideas. I wish for their soul to rest in peace. And I wish to thank them because they showed me how much I would be hurting the people around me.
I still do not have a lot of will to live. But I wish to try my best for the sake of the ones who would be hurt by my absence. So that worked out this year.
One more thing I realized this year is that I am more of an introvert than I think. I cancelled more plans to stay home and be with my cats. I lied to get out of socializing. I preferred spending time with the few folks I call friends. And I like it this way.
I do not have a lot of hopes for 2019. Lets see what unfolds.