All my life I have been shamed for yearning for attention. Be it from my parents or from my classmates or from someone I dated. It has always been shunned. Why? What is wrong with asking someone to hear out what you are trying to say? Or focus on smaller details? Being the youngest in a family and being the shortest always has its cons. Nobody takes you seriously nor hears you out. Your voice is always drained out by someone else. Or simply they just do not care about what you have to say.
This morning I was telling my mother and my brother that my work got postponed and I won’t be going to the office. Both of them were asking me when I was leaving almost the next minute. Were they not attentive to what I was saying or were they zoning out or were they thinking “Oh there she goes again yapping…” I don’t know. I am honestly tired of yelling and screaming and fighting for my voice to be heard. I only have so much energy left in me to face the shitstorm called life.
Everytime I get my heart broken I have someone say “if you don’t love yourself how can you expect others to love you?” Okay so I have a question. How much longer do you think I can do everything all by myself? I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Since nobody heard me cry or whimper I have been nursing myself since the age of 13. Do you really think I would do that if I did not love myself? I tattooed symbols that could help me remind what was important so I would stop the self harm. Was that not an act of self love? Why is yearning and longing for love from someone else shamed and shunned? Why is it wrong? Why should I always be the only one who loves me? For once it would be nice for someone to notice my puffy eyes and offer to soothe my sobs. Or it surely would be nice for me to finally say that “I am not fine” to someone and not hear the same old “You are strong, you can do this”shit! For once I wish someone would just ask me to shut up and pamper me.
Is this degrading? No! It is not. This is me being as human as possible. We all need a safe space to crumble down. We all have to break down in someone’s hands so we know that we are not alone. Doing it all alone is not a sign of strength. It just means you have given up on the love you can receive from others. It means you don’t believe that there is no love out there for you so you have to do it all by yourself. It means that there is no one glad enough to sit and hold you as you fall apart and you have given up fighting to find such a person. It is sad!
I am realising all of this because I am giving up as well. As much as this whole self love is tiring and exhaustive, that is all I got left. My heart can only be broken so many times and I can haphazardly repair it so much. I can’t afford to grow hope in me because it is slowly turning into a poison. So what do I do next? Probably nothing. Just walk along whatever road is ahead and see what more screw ups life has to offer!